1 post tagged “absence”

Okay... here goes. I'm cross-posting this from Vox to LJ because I don't know how many folks actually read my Vox
account.

Let's face it: I have not been around. I've floated here or there but haven't truly had a presence on the game.

What's up, you ask?

The long and short of it is that I was feeling very overwhelmed with life in general. We've had six deaths in 13 months, including family and friends. My mother's health is scary-not-good. Dad went in for hip replacement surgery this week. My brother might need surgery again on his jaw (still unsure). Work is... unsure at this point. We're facing budget cuts, people being given separation packages, other people being 'redeployed' around the workplace, the word 'layoffs' has been floating around, and a lot of 'change phases' coming up which have not yet been defined or explained (it's all rather vague). In truth, I don't know if I'm going to have a job in a couple of months or not. Considering that I have a debt of about $26,000, this is very not-good.

On top of this, I've been trying to get back into school and the university has essentially been screwing me around, running me around, and tossing up brick wall after brick wall. So. I've gone to the local college; lo and behold, my class starts in two days. *gasp*

So what was going on?

I was in denial of this and even said it wasn't for a while, but... "Depression".

It runs in the family and I've nearly been medicated for it in the past (yes, I actually do suffer from 'clinical depression', as diagnosed by a doctor and it does come back from time to time). Honestly, I'm surprised that I didn't admit to it (to myself) sooner. Usually I catch on very quickly and nip that in the bud faster than you can say, "Nuh uh, we're not going there!" But let's face facts: 2006 was a very difficult year for myself and my family (and many others!) and I was becoming a hermit even from online stuff and folks. That's a BAD sign. Usually if I hermitize, I'm at least somewhat active in the MUSHes still, as it's good escapism.

But nope, I wasn't. I was pulling back more and more from everyone and everything. Even my plants were dying on me because I wasn't watering them. I haven't had a bout this bad since university (and I graduated in '97, if that tells you anything).

Granted, many times that I didn't logon, I was simply very busy but there were times when I came home and just sat in my computer room playing video games (no, not just WoW for those who might be wondering about that, but even just zuma, solitaire, sudoku, etc.). Or I'd sit online and just be there but not do much other than web surfing and listening to music. I haven't even really been reading as of late. I found myself becoming more and more misanthropic and not only unwilling but seemingly/nearly incapable of dealing with people outside of work.

Even my housework has suffered; I started catching up on that this week. I wasn't going out for lunches with co-workers, despite being asked. I didn't go out for New Year's Eve and even balked when my hubby wanted to do the traditional kiss at midnight, saying I didn't want to make a fuss. I wasn't meeting up with family. I haven't seen some of my friends in weeks/months. Hell, I've regained half of what I lost last year in weight -- which is a definite warning sign that I ignored.
 
Granted, some of the last little while, I've been sick, too. But I wonder if some of it wasn't just stress-related (which is still sickness, but could have been prevented if I had been actively managing my stress).

So, as I went through the opening procedures at work this morning, I thought about it. No one else was around. I wasn't online. Everything was quiet. I could think. And that's when it came to me what was going on. I've been living through a really bad bout of depression and withdrawing a little more each day, each week, though I was still trying to get things done; but I was going through the motions.

This week, I finished up registration for school. I visited with my dad. I talked to Mom on IM briefly. I logged onto XMR a bit this week (and even RP'd!) and today, and have my alts online (even if I can't RP from work, I can at least logon to see what's going on, maybe touch base with a few folks, etc.) -- unfortunately, no one else is around, so I might actually logoff for a bit to do some work and pop back a little later. And now I'm posting here. It's not a lot, but it's a start.

There are likely people who are pissed off at me for not being around. Or curious. Or worried. Or maybe not. But if you fall into any of these categories, I can only apologize. The above post has not been put up for sympathy or attention, nor as an excuse. It's an explanation. I seem to be doing this a lot lately, but it's time I stop myself and do something about it. Just know that now that I've recognized what's going on, I am taking steps to alleviate this problem and get things sorted out.

With all of this said, I will be putting up a post shortly regarding my characters, where they stand and a general call / request for scenage to try to get back into the swing of things. I hope to catch you all online soon. Anyway, thanks for reading.