"All of This Past" - Sarah Bettens
Here I go again
Slipping further away
Letting go again
Of what keeps me in place
I like it here
But it scares me to death
There is nothing here
(humming)
The light is beautiful
But I’m darker than light
And you are wonderful
But this moment is mine
All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me
I find comfort here
Cos I know what is lost
Hope is always fear
For the pain it may cost
And I have searched for the reason to go on
I’ve tried and I’ve tried
But it’s taking me so long
I might be better off
Closing my eyes
And God will come looking for me
In time
All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me
All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me
I can see myself
I look peaceful and pale
But underneath
I can barely inhale
I can hear myself singing that song
Over and over until it belongs to me
(humming)
I am notoriously bad for posting RP logs -- this never used to be the case, honestly. At one point in time, I used to love editing and posting logs. I still do love the idea of having posted logs, but I have grown lazy and fallen horribly behind.
As a result, I actually lost about 2-3 months worth of RP logs from the summer, which sucked royally. But what can you do? So now I've started backing up my logs once a week (or more often) onto CD (I'll see about putting it on a zip drive, too, if I can... or a second CD).
Meanwhile, I don't generally post logs in my LiveJournal, as I've kept it as an IC venue for my two girls. And I keep this Vox blog for exposition and thoughts about RPing, XMR, etc.
So, I'm considering trying to submit to the log site again. The only downside to the game's log site is that you can't lock who sees it, so if it has potentially sensitive info in it (like what the X-Men or Brotherhood might be up to), it can't get posted there. In LiveJournal, you can lock it to select groups of people by using friends filters. A positive thing about posting in the game's log site is that newcomers and guests can see that the game is actually populated and busy, encouraging them to join the game and stay.
So, what to do, what to do?
I suppose I could do a combination of both. I could post more sensitive logs on LJ with an OOC tag and user pic, keeping the text behind a cut and filter, while putting more 'public consumption' logs on the game's log site. (I don't think you can do text cuts in Vox, otherwise I'd just do it here and keep the OOC stuff out of my IC weblog.)
What does everyone else do? Do you find you face the same dilemmas? I know some of you use LJ strictly for log-posting. I just don't like muddling them up. However, I suppose if I was posting logs there, I'd at least be posting more regularly. ;)
Hahahaha. Either that title can refer to the fact that Brianna is currently confined to a wheelchair or the fact that she keeps saying to people who keep bringing her goodies that they're trying to make her fat... ;)
Anyway, I've got about five scenes under my belt with her at this point and I can say that she's getting a little easier to RP. I still have some difficulties and sometimes I have to fight old habits (which I have identified as not-so-great habits), but I think I'm rolling with the punches a little bit more and that she's got a bit of a storyline now. She has a few things going on and getting dumped in her lap and now she's got to find some way of dealing with it all while in this cast for two months.
She's getting cranky. (Thought she was cranky in the last few scenes? Ain't seen nothing yet. Heh.)
She's been confined to her bed long enough, too. I meant to drag her out a couple of nights ago (as the constant elevation thing is only supposed to be a 2-3 day ordeal), but stuff happened and RL has been stressful so I have really only RP'd Marrow. So, people can expect to see her struggling around the place in a wheelchair with her leg stuck out before her (think: smacking into doorframes and tables periodically). Hopefully things keep going better like they have been. I enjoy the character concept and do like RPing her. I just need to find that 'fun place' for her again.
Meanwhile, yes, I realize that having had her break her leg is going to limit what she can do over the next few months but frankly, I'm fine with it because her leg break has already generated some RP and I think it might take her in other potential directions (maybe taking up new activities since her physical activity will be limited -- so Ninjitsu class will be put on hold, but maybe she'll start focusing more on her technology knowledge and skills, for example).
And the coolest thing about her breaking her leg?
I heard that it spurred some RP between some folks. Gave them something to talk about.
That warms my little RP-geek heart like you wouldn't believe. :) And in turn, that RP opens up more RP for me.
To quote Babylon 5: "And so it begins..."
I've had two scenes with Brianna so far and I must say that it has been hard so far. I have struggled to get the poses out. I don't think that her new storyline is necessarily forced... it's her that I'm having difficulty representing in text.
I definitely think I need to keep my scenes small and simple for now. No more than two others in a scene and maybe not necessarily scenes that I have to 'run' so to speak. Did a Danger Room session and it was very difficult for me. I was fortunate that I had a great RP partner for it; but being in a role where I had to come up with the scenario was draining. I used to love coming up with DR scenarios and running with them. It's just difficult these days because of my difficulties with Bri.
Getting her out of the school occasionally is something that I need to do. Not only because she was designed to be this 'rebel' so to speak and have a 'life' compared to the other faculty but also because I can see her nearly being driven to drink by some of the stuff going on at the school (nothing in particular, but I can see her patience with teenaged angst/drama/pranks/etc. being low right now with everything being so 'serious' and 'dark' in her life right now). So I could literally see her being almost like Logan in canon... just flitting in and out when she feels like it, though unlike him where she actually comes back more regularly to deal with responsibilities etc... despite those responsibilities being part of her more recent stress.
At least she has her drivers license now.
Reminds me I have another +char/upgrade to request soon, but I need to RP around it first... which means scenes with certain people to get the ball rolling.
Oh, and in case someone is thinking my difficulties with RPing her is because there's all these new stresses and pressures on her, that's not it. These things were added to help facilitate some RP for me and to create a story of Bri's own, instead of her being like an NPC in everyone else's stories. Don't get me wrong; I enjoy getting pulled into other people's stories and helping out with them, but she just didn't have anything of her own.
She was just so laid back all the time and had nothing going on. She wasn't involved in plots (because I am one of those ones who can't handle the big huge scenes) as a general rule, which didn't help... but it was worse because she didn't really have a story of her own. She was, as I've posted before, furniture in the school or background noise. People went to her when they needed her, which is fine, seriously... but she didn't have anything to keep her going.
Much like an actor asking, "What's my motivation?" I have found myself in the same boat.
Anyway, I'm RPing at least. It's better than nothing. It's just still currently a bit like pulling teeth to get into Bri's head, but I'm trying.
So I've had two scenes now with Brianna.
Let me tell you: it is hard RPing her now. Really hard. I have to stop and think. Her actions don't just flow from my fingertips anymore.
But I'm trying.
I wanted to thank those who have offered to help me bring her back. I really appreciate it. I'm looking forward to RPing with you. :)
But I do ask that everyone be patient with me if my poses take a little longer or if sometimes things seem a little 'off' or if my scenes aren't as long as they used to be because it really is taking a lot of effort to roleplay Bri and I'm not entirely sure that I've managed to get back into her head just yet.
I'm doing my best. Honest.
Does anyone else ever get surprised by their characters?
Now, some people might respond to that with a rather confused expression and a statement that sounds something along the lines of, "Are you nuts? You control your character, so how can you be surprised by them? You do the typing!"
Yes, this is very true.
But I've been RPing for a while and I really love when I don't have to really think while RPing save for an appropriate choice of words to describe what my character is doing. There are many scenes that I get into where I have no idea what my character will do until I start typing the pose (or even until after I have finished typing it!). My characters seem to get lives and minds of their own and really do react in ways that I would not, nor would I dream of even considering doing.
Marrow has been shocking the hell out of me right, left and centre as of late. Almost to the point where I have thought, "Who are you and what have you done with Marrow?" I'm seeing sides of her that I only sort of knew about and never thought would ever surface. Then again, it helps that I've had a few other players who have been willing to help bring these aspects of the character to the surface with their own characters' involvement in her life.
A minor example, but who knew that Marrow actually has a ticklish spot? It's harder to find (get your minds out of the gutter!) and so it wouldn't come up often, but she does! I didn't know she had one until it was recently discovered. *shrugs* And who knew that she wouldn't pummel a certain someone into a paste when she found out he recently found her sketchbook and read through it? Who knew that it would actually shut her down a bit, emotionally? She's just usually all rage and riot, so it was so odd to see her get all quiet and vulnerable.
I don't think for a second that this is breaking out of the character's mould. I think it's delving deeper. She's still Marrow, to use her as the example, but there's just more to her than vitriol and venom; other's just don't usually get to see these things unless they stick around long enough.
And honestly, I really enjoy getting to see these things along with the other characters. It's just as new and surprising (or sometimes shocking) to me as it is to them.
So, what about you? Do you find your characters sometimes surprise you or do you always orchestrate their every move?
I know I haven't written much on my journals as of late but I'm trying to get back into the swing of things again.
And I have a confession: I haven't been playing Brianna lately for a reason. It's not that I have been trying to shirk my duties as an active faculty member of Xavier's or the X-Men, honest. I want to be doing these things, but I just haven't been in Brianna's head-space much as of late.
Many of the personal storylines I had going for her have fizzled out due to people dropping offline or losing apparent interest, which is fine, honestly. That's their prerogative. But also, I'm just having a hard time 'feeling' her, you know? How can I explain? Playing her feels forced to some degree or another. Not that I think she, as a character, is forced, but that I always feel like I'm forcing myself to play her when I do. I don't know if it's just that I'm bored with her, that I've gotten into a rut with her or if the character just isn't where I want to be with RP these days. I don't really know. I find I have a serious lack of energy when RPing her and feel that my RP 'performance', if you will, is less than standard or is just 'surface' RP.
Any of the 'depth' she was originally written to have has never really surfaced since I started to play her last December. Not that she has a truly angsty background or anything, but she has had some drama, like everyone else and she just kind of shows the 'showy' side of herself all the time -- which is how she was written, granted, so maybe I just wrote her 'facade' a bit too tightly. I don't know. She's out there partying, drinking, smoking and keeping her relationships at an arms-length, so to speak. She doesn't open up a lot to people. Not really and truly. Perhaps I didn't put enough angst in her background so there's not a lot to open up to, per se. Maybe I need something dramatic to happen to her to 'liven' things up a bit. I don't know.
But in all honesty, I have been having more fun playing Marrow as of late. Granted, she's a canon character (or FC on XMR), so some might think that she might come off as more well-rounded than an OC but I don't think that's what's going on here, nor do I think that's true. I know of many OCs that are played well and come off as very well-rounded and not so cardboard-cutout-ish. Not many people know that Marrow's background was completely re-written by me. Not a scrap of it is canon. Why? Because canon-Marrow doesn't fit XMR's storyline at all. There are no Murlocks, to start with and that's such a foundational part to the canon-Marrow, just to touch the tip of the iceburg.
With the exception of the concept, powers and the name, the character is 'mine' through her background. So is her personality. Now, I've been told that I do Marrow well by several people -- and I take this as a compliment because in reality I don't know the comic book Marrow. This is why I say the personality belongs to me. I have never seen a comic with her in it before until recently (and even that has been snippets on the web).
All that aside, I'm having a blast playing her. Yes, some days it's hard to get into her headspace because she is a very unpredictable character. I have to use dice occasionally to decide what way her mood will swing, how she'll react to things and occasionally a pose might take me 15 minutes because I'm having a hard time putting her reactions into words. She is a very strong character with a stronger will than many, but also instable mentally -- which may change over time as people start to try to get to know the woman inside, beyond the bones, depending. She's brash, bold and calls it like she sees it. She's harsh and stoic and yet there's a more fragile side to her that only a select few have actually seen. I love the dynamics of this character and no matter what XMR tosses at her, she just keeps on going -- and often surprises me with what she does.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is what I love about Marrow. When I RP the bony one, I feel 100% engaged. She's out there and in your face and is an enigma and a bulldozer and... you get the point.
Brianna is... background noise.
See why I'm having issues here?
When I RP Bri, I feel like I'm just there for scene colouring/decor. She's furniture.
Does this mean I'm retiring the character? No, not likely at this point. I'm still going to attempt to breathe some new life into her, but how, I'm not exactly sure just yet. I'm not one to try to steal the limelight from people or to thrive on uber-angst, in truth, so I want something that's engaging but without the screaming neon lights that flash, "LOOK AT ME!!" at other players. That's not fun for anyone else.
I'm still around. Things are busy and I don't have much to say. Will try to change this soon, I promise.
Since the QOTD came out regarding what our desktop wallpaper images were, I have taken it upon myself to attempt to make a proper wallpaper. Yes, it is Marrow-themed. Let me know what you think:
Please note that the images and lyrics used do not belong to me, yadda yadda. This was intended for personal usage only, etc. So... if you steal it, I am not responsible. :P
Little Miss Short Attention Span is having difficulties coming up with some kind of topic to write about today though the desire to write is certainly present. I blame it on lack of food and sleep. Hm. Perhaps I will simply answer the QOTD for now as my desktop image on the laptop is actually X-Men related. Then I might do a 'real' post later on.
What is your current computer desktop image? Let's see it.
Hmmm. Which image do you think out of the pair suits my version of Marrow better? *grins
You'll need to click on the image to see it better, as apparently this post doesn't like sticking the larger image in with the text.
I'd have to say I'm not quite sure what I think of the image of Marrow in a school-girl's uniform. It seems so incredibly...wrong. Am I alone in this opinion?
Regardless, I switch between Marrow images and a few other X-related images for my laptop's wallpaper image. My main computer has a rough image of Logan on it. Looks faintly Japanese in origin to me, but not 'cutsey anime' styled, however. It's hard to describe. I'd have to screen capture that one as well and honestly, I wouldn't enter my computer room right now if I were at home if you paid me a million bucks. I swear that the show While You Were Out came in while I was working over the last month at some point and swapped my computer room with Hades itself. Complete with fire and brimstone. :P
I digress.
So if anyone wanted an idea of the type of Marrow I play, take a look at the image on the left. Sure, she doesn't have bones popping out of her head, the bones in her back are longer, and the bones coming out of her arms are at the elbows, but... that's the type of image I picture of Marrow in her uniform. Gruff-looking. Granted, she's still Fairuza Balk in my head, too. Someone found me a great photo manipulation of Fairuza as Marrow which I also swap out onto my laptop wallpaper periodically. Perhaps I will grab a screen shot of that and slap it up later. Watch for edits of this article.
