The Nexus

It's been nearly a month since my last posting since, mostly, I haven't had much to say.

I wanted to say thanks to those individuals who have been helping me to get back into Bri's headspace and find her voice again. She's a tough cookie to crack and right now I think I'm starting to figure out 'where she's at' so to speak.

Marrow has grown too complacent, however. I might be contacting a few of you about this to put some conflict back into the cranky, bony one. While complacent is good for her mental health, surely, it's kind of boring for her player. ;) I have a few ideas, having discussed it with a couple of you, but it's a matter of finding a way to implementing it. If I can't find players to help me out, I may turn to plot staff to see if they'd be willing to run a short scene for me just to act as a catalyst to get her back onto that path of mental instability.

And Theresa's just fine, really. I just need to get her out more. :)

That's about it.

It's been a few weeks and I'm still trying to get my crap together. Thanks for bearing with me.

I'm finding I have less and less time these days for MUSHing, so I'm trying to work out a week-by-week schedule for this. Bottom line: I work shifts and have found that I need to be more RL-social, including seeing friends I hardly ever see and family members who feel it's six months at a time before they get to see me again and aren't happy with that. (They exaggerate, but still. Point taken.) And on top of this, I've been bringing work home, have a personal project that has to be done (for my own sanity) and have been cracking down on my school work.

So, I can't be on every night, but I'm doing my best to be on 3-5 times per week, minimum, as I still want to MUSH, still have obligations on MUSHes and don't want to drop everything.

With all that in mind and in the spirit of getting back into stuff, here's what I need/want to do with my characters:

1. Brianna - She's currently the de facto leader of the X-Men, a teacher, a squad leader, yearbook advisor and a musician and lately, she has been very inactive. Again. Still. However you want to look at it. I need to fix this. However, I've made a few attempts to get people together, set things up or even be available but people aren't taking me up on much. Any suggestions on how I can get people excited to get involved again would be greatly appreciated. Because I can't be on every day, it's sometimes hard for me to judge when others might be around or to just spontaneously start things -- shiftwork sucks, ladies and gents. Also, aside from this, now that she's relatively mobile, I'd like to get her out on the streets a bit more... in her favourite club, the cyber cafe, etc. She's been cooped up too much and I'd like to expand her experiences a little. I even considered her 'moonlighting' as a singer or guest musician at various clubs around town. Anyone want in on that?
   
   
2. Marrow - An acolyte of Magneto, Combat Marshal and general 'thug' for the Brotherhood, my little walking nightmare does a lot of 'training' or 'working out', 'patrolling' and generally rumbling with the street thugs of NYC. The side-line story that was going on for her was her relationship with her boyfriend (which is great fun, honestly), but I'd like to branch her out a bit. I know she's cantankerous and scary-looking, but there's really a scared, walled-up little girl under all those bone spikes and gruff attitude and it's something I'd love to get a chance to explore a bit more, if anyone's willing. I've managed to get to this a bit with her relationship with Zach, and with some of her friendship with Rogue, but I really feel I've only managed to hit the tip of the iceberg. Anyone willing to help with?
   
   
3. Theresa - For those who don't know, I have a third alt named Theresa. Yes, it's Siryn! I've managed to get a few scenes down with a potential love interest, perhaps a few friends, and even an 'enemy', but there's something missing... ah! Yes! FEMALE FRIENDS. ;) All her contacts so far are male, which is fine... and I don't want to deter anyone with male characters to avoid RPing with Theresa because I've said this. But she's relatively new to NYC or to the U.S. in general, she's a student, she's Catholic with a bit of a temper/mouth on her if she gets riled enough, and she could really use some friends, especially those of the female persuasion. Who is she going to talk to about some stuff. Writing letters home to her aunt is great, but there's no one-on-one action right now. Who's up for the challenge? ;)

With the exception of maybe Bri, who does have some professional obligations she needs to fulfill or take care of as well, all three of my girls really need some interpersonal interaction at this point. One-on-one or small (read: 2-3 people) group scenes would be grand.

Do I want them involved in plot? Hm, well, by nature, Bri and Marrow will already get dragged into plot, so that's a given. Right now, I'm still trying to get a 'feel' for Theresa and what makes her tick, what will push her over certain edges, etc. So smaller, non-big-plot scenes would be something I'd like to focus on less, if possible, for a little while. Though, if she gets dragged in ICly, that's different. ;)

So, that's that. If anyone is willing to help out or get involved or wants to get dragged into something, etc., poke at me, please. Feedback is welcome too. :)

Okay... here goes. I'm cross-posting this from Vox to LJ because I don't know how many folks actually read my Vox
account.

Let's face it: I have not been around. I've floated here or there but haven't truly had a presence on the game.

What's up, you ask?

The long and short of it is that I was feeling very overwhelmed with life in general. We've had six deaths in 13 months, including family and friends. My mother's health is scary-not-good. Dad went in for hip replacement surgery this week. My brother might need surgery again on his jaw (still unsure). Work is... unsure at this point. We're facing budget cuts, people being given separation packages, other people being 'redeployed' around the workplace, the word 'layoffs' has been floating around, and a lot of 'change phases' coming up which have not yet been defined or explained (it's all rather vague). In truth, I don't know if I'm going to have a job in a couple of months or not. Considering that I have a debt of about $26,000, this is very not-good.

On top of this, I've been trying to get back into school and the university has essentially been screwing me around, running me around, and tossing up brick wall after brick wall. So. I've gone to the local college; lo and behold, my class starts in two days. *gasp*

So what was going on?

I was in denial of this and even said it wasn't for a while, but... "Depression".

It runs in the family and I've nearly been medicated for it in the past (yes, I actually do suffer from 'clinical depression', as diagnosed by a doctor and it does come back from time to time). Honestly, I'm surprised that I didn't admit to it (to myself) sooner. Usually I catch on very quickly and nip that in the bud faster than you can say, "Nuh uh, we're not going there!" But let's face facts: 2006 was a very difficult year for myself and my family (and many others!) and I was becoming a hermit even from online stuff and folks. That's a BAD sign. Usually if I hermitize, I'm at least somewhat active in the MUSHes still, as it's good escapism.

But nope, I wasn't. I was pulling back more and more from everyone and everything. Even my plants were dying on me because I wasn't watering them. I haven't had a bout this bad since university (and I graduated in '97, if that tells you anything).

Granted, many times that I didn't logon, I was simply very busy but there were times when I came home and just sat in my computer room playing video games (no, not just WoW for those who might be wondering about that, but even just zuma, solitaire, sudoku, etc.). Or I'd sit online and just be there but not do much other than web surfing and listening to music. I haven't even really been reading as of late. I found myself becoming more and more misanthropic and not only unwilling but seemingly/nearly incapable of dealing with people outside of work.

Even my housework has suffered; I started catching up on that this week. I wasn't going out for lunches with co-workers, despite being asked. I didn't go out for New Year's Eve and even balked when my hubby wanted to do the traditional kiss at midnight, saying I didn't want to make a fuss. I wasn't meeting up with family. I haven't seen some of my friends in weeks/months. Hell, I've regained half of what I lost last year in weight -- which is a definite warning sign that I ignored.
 
Granted, some of the last little while, I've been sick, too. But I wonder if some of it wasn't just stress-related (which is still sickness, but could have been prevented if I had been actively managing my stress).

So, as I went through the opening procedures at work this morning, I thought about it. No one else was around. I wasn't online. Everything was quiet. I could think. And that's when it came to me what was going on. I've been living through a really bad bout of depression and withdrawing a little more each day, each week, though I was still trying to get things done; but I was going through the motions.

This week, I finished up registration for school. I visited with my dad. I talked to Mom on IM briefly. I logged onto XMR a bit this week (and even RP'd!) and today, and have my alts online (even if I can't RP from work, I can at least logon to see what's going on, maybe touch base with a few folks, etc.) -- unfortunately, no one else is around, so I might actually logoff for a bit to do some work and pop back a little later. And now I'm posting here. It's not a lot, but it's a start.

There are likely people who are pissed off at me for not being around. Or curious. Or worried. Or maybe not. But if you fall into any of these categories, I can only apologize. The above post has not been put up for sympathy or attention, nor as an excuse. It's an explanation. I seem to be doing this a lot lately, but it's time I stop myself and do something about it. Just know that now that I've recognized what's going on, I am taking steps to alleviate this problem and get things sorted out.

With all of this said, I will be putting up a post shortly regarding my characters, where they stand and a general call / request for scenage to try to get back into the swing of things. I hope to catch you all online soon. Anyway, thanks for reading.

"All of This Past" - Sarah Bettens

Here I go again
Slipping further away
Letting go again
Of what keeps me in place
I like it here
But it scares me to death
There is nothing here
(humming)
The light is beautiful
But I’m darker than light
And you are wonderful
But this moment is mine
All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me
I find comfort here
Cos I know what is lost
Hope is always fear
For the pain it may cost
And I have searched for the reason to go on
I’ve tried and I’ve tried
But it’s taking me so long
I might be better off
Closing my eyes
And God will come looking for me
In time
All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me
All of this dust
All of this past
All of this over and gone
And never coming back
All of this forgotten
Not by me
I can see myself
I look peaceful and pale
But underneath
I can barely inhale
I can hear myself singing that song
Over and over until it belongs to me
(humming)

I am notoriously bad for posting RP logs -- this never used to be the case, honestly. At one point in time, I used to love editing and posting logs. I still do love the idea of having posted logs, but I have grown lazy and fallen horribly behind.

As a result, I actually lost about 2-3 months worth of RP logs from the summer, which sucked royally. But what can you do? So now I've started backing up my logs once a week (or more often) onto CD (I'll see about putting it on a zip drive, too, if I can... or a second CD).

Meanwhile, I don't generally post logs in my LiveJournal, as I've kept it as an IC venue for my two girls. And I keep this Vox blog for exposition and thoughts about RPing, XMR, etc.

So, I'm considering trying to submit to the log site again. The only downside to the game's log site is that you can't lock who sees it, so if it has potentially sensitive info in it (like what the X-Men or Brotherhood might be up to), it can't get posted there. In LiveJournal, you can lock it to select groups of people by using friends filters. A positive thing about posting in the game's log site is that newcomers and guests can see that the game is actually populated and busy, encouraging them to join the game and stay.

So, what to do, what to do?

I suppose I could do a combination of both. I could post more sensitive logs on LJ with an OOC tag and user pic, keeping the text behind a cut and filter, while putting more 'public consumption' logs on the game's log site. (I don't think you can do text cuts in Vox, otherwise I'd just do it here and keep the OOC stuff out of my IC weblog.)

What does everyone else do? Do you find you face the same dilemmas? I know some of you use LJ strictly for log-posting. I just don't like muddling them up. However, I suppose if I was posting logs there, I'd at least be posting more regularly. ;)

Hahahaha. Either that title can refer to the fact that Brianna is currently confined to a wheelchair or the fact that she keeps saying to people who keep bringing her goodies that they're trying to make her fat... ;)

Anyway, I've got about five scenes under my belt with her at this point and I can say that she's getting a little easier to RP. I still have some difficulties and sometimes I have to fight old habits (which I have identified as not-so-great habits), but I think I'm rolling with the punches a little bit more and that she's got a bit of a storyline now. She has a few things going on and getting dumped in her lap and now she's got to find some way of dealing with it all while in this cast for two months.

She's getting cranky. (Thought she was cranky in the last few scenes? Ain't seen nothing yet. Heh.)

She's been confined to her bed long enough, too. I meant to drag her out a couple of nights ago (as the constant elevation thing is only supposed to be a 2-3 day ordeal), but stuff happened and RL has been stressful so I have really only RP'd Marrow. So, people can expect to see her struggling around the place in a wheelchair with her leg stuck out before her (think: smacking into doorframes and tables periodically). Hopefully things keep going better like they have been. I enjoy the character concept and do like RPing her. I just need to find that 'fun place' for her again.

Meanwhile, yes, I realize that having had her break her leg is going to limit what she can do over the next few months but frankly, I'm fine with it because her leg break has already generated some RP and I think it might take her in other potential directions (maybe taking up new activities since her physical activity will be limited -- so Ninjitsu class will be put on hold, but maybe she'll start focusing more on her technology knowledge and skills, for example).

And the coolest thing about her breaking her leg?

I heard that it spurred some RP between some folks. Gave them something to talk about.

That warms my little RP-geek heart like you wouldn't believe. :) And in turn, that RP opens up more RP for me.

To quote Babylon 5: "And so it begins..."

I've had two scenes with Brianna so far and I must say that it has been hard so far. I have struggled to get the poses out. I don't think that her new storyline is necessarily forced... it's her that I'm having difficulty representing in text.

I definitely think I need to keep my scenes small and simple for now. No more than two others in a scene and maybe not necessarily scenes that I have to 'run' so to speak. Did a Danger Room session and it was very difficult for me. I was fortunate that I had a great RP partner for it; but being in a role where I had to come up with the scenario was draining. I used to love coming up with DR scenarios and running with them. It's just difficult these days because of my difficulties with Bri.

Getting her out of the school occasionally is something that I need to do. Not only because she was designed to be this 'rebel' so to speak and have a 'life' compared to the other faculty but also because I can see her nearly being driven to drink by some of the stuff going on at the school (nothing in particular, but I can see her patience with teenaged angst/drama/pranks/etc. being low right now with everything being so 'serious' and 'dark' in her life right now). So I could literally see her being almost like Logan in canon... just flitting in and out when she feels like it, though unlike him where she actually comes back more regularly to deal with responsibilities etc... despite those responsibilities being part of her more recent stress.

At least she has her drivers license now.

Reminds me I have another +char/upgrade to request soon, but I need to RP around it first... which means scenes with certain people to get the ball rolling.

Oh, and in case someone is thinking my difficulties with RPing her is because there's all these new stresses and pressures on her, that's not it. These things were added to help facilitate some RP for me and to create a story of Bri's own, instead of her being like an NPC in everyone else's stories. Don't get me wrong; I enjoy getting pulled into other people's stories and helping out with them, but she just didn't have anything of her own.

She was just so laid back all the time and had nothing going on. She wasn't involved in plots (because I am one of those ones who can't handle the big huge scenes) as a general rule, which didn't help... but it was worse because she didn't really have a story of her own. She was, as I've posted before, furniture in the school or background noise. People went to her when they needed her, which is fine, seriously... but she didn't have anything to keep her going.

Much like an actor asking, "What's my motivation?" I have found myself in the same boat.

Anyway, I'm RPing at least. It's better than nothing. It's just still currently a bit like pulling teeth to get into Bri's head, but I'm trying.

So I've had two scenes now with Brianna.

Let me tell you: it is hard RPing her now. Really hard. I have to stop and think. Her actions don't just flow from my fingertips anymore.

But I'm trying.

I wanted to thank those who have offered to help me bring her back. I really appreciate it. I'm looking forward to RPing with you. :)

But I do ask that everyone be patient with me if my poses take a little longer or if sometimes things seem a little 'off' or if my scenes aren't as long as they used to be because it really is taking a lot of effort to roleplay Bri and I'm not entirely sure that I've managed to get back into her head just yet.

I'm doing my best. Honest.

Does anyone else ever get surprised by their characters?

Now, some people might respond to that with a rather confused expression and a statement that sounds something along the lines of, "Are you nuts? You control your character, so how can you be surprised by them? You do the typing!"

Yes, this is very true.

But I've been RPing for a while and I really love when I don't have to really think while RPing save for an appropriate choice of words to describe what my character is doing. There are many scenes that I get into where I have no idea what my character will do until I start typing the pose (or even until after I have finished typing it!). My characters seem to get lives and minds of their own and really do react in ways that I would not, nor would I dream of even considering doing.

Marrow has been shocking the hell out of me right, left and centre as of late. Almost to the point where I have thought, "Who are you and what have you done with Marrow?" I'm seeing sides of her that I only sort of knew about and never thought would ever surface. Then again, it helps that I've had a few other players who have been willing to help bring these aspects of the character to the surface with their own characters' involvement in her life.

A minor example, but who knew that Marrow actually has a ticklish spot? It's harder to find (get your minds out of the gutter!) and so it wouldn't come up often, but she does! I didn't know she had one until it was recently discovered. *shrugs* And who knew that she wouldn't pummel a certain someone into a paste when she found out he recently found her sketchbook and read through it? Who knew that it would actually shut her down a bit, emotionally? She's just usually all rage and riot, so it was so odd to see her get all quiet and vulnerable.

I don't think for a second that this is breaking out of the character's mould. I think it's delving deeper. She's still Marrow, to use her as the example, but there's just more to her than vitriol and venom; other's just don't usually get to see these things unless they stick around long enough.

And honestly, I really enjoy getting to see these things along with the other characters. It's just as new and surprising (or sometimes shocking) to me as it is to them.

So, what about you? Do you find your characters sometimes surprise you or do you always orchestrate their every move?

I know I haven't written much on my journals as of late but I'm trying to get back into the swing of things again.

And I have a confession: I haven't been playing Brianna lately for a reason. It's not that I have been trying to shirk my duties as an active faculty member of Xavier's or the X-Men, honest. I want to be doing these things, but I just haven't been in Brianna's head-space much as of late.

Many of the personal storylines I had going for her have fizzled out due to people dropping offline or losing apparent interest, which is fine, honestly. That's their prerogative. But also, I'm just having a hard time 'feeling' her, you know? How can I explain? Playing her feels forced to some degree or another. Not that I think she, as a character, is forced, but that I always feel like I'm forcing myself to play her when I do. I don't know if it's just that I'm bored with her, that I've gotten into a rut with her or if the character just isn't where I want to be with RP these days. I don't really know. I find I have a serious lack of energy when RPing her and feel that my RP 'performance', if you will, is less than standard or is just 'surface' RP.

Any of the 'depth' she was originally written to have has never really surfaced since I started to play her last December. Not that she has a truly angsty background or anything, but she has had some drama, like everyone else and she just kind of shows the 'showy' side of herself all the time -- which is how she was written, granted, so maybe I just wrote her 'facade' a bit too tightly. I don't know. She's out there partying, drinking, smoking and keeping her relationships at an arms-length, so to speak. She doesn't open up a lot to people. Not really and truly. Perhaps I didn't put enough angst in her background so there's not a lot to open up to, per se. Maybe I need something dramatic to happen to her to 'liven' things up a bit. I don't know.

But in all honesty, I have been having more fun playing Marrow as of late. Granted, she's a canon character (or FC on XMR), so some might think that she might come off as more well-rounded than an OC but I don't think that's what's going on here, nor do I think that's true. I know of many OCs that are played well and come off as very well-rounded and not so cardboard-cutout-ish. Not many people know that Marrow's background was completely re-written by me. Not a scrap of it is canon. Why? Because canon-Marrow doesn't fit XMR's storyline at all. There are no Murlocks, to start with and that's such a foundational part to the canon-Marrow, just to touch the tip of the iceburg.

With the exception of the concept, powers and the name, the character is 'mine' through her background. So is her personality. Now, I've been told that I do Marrow well by several people -- and I take this as a compliment because in reality I don't know the comic book Marrow. This is why I say the personality belongs to me. I have never seen a comic with her in it before until recently (and even that has been snippets on the web).

All that aside, I'm having a blast playing her. Yes, some days it's hard to get into her headspace because she is a very unpredictable character. I have to use dice occasionally to decide what way her mood will swing, how she'll react to things and occasionally a pose might take me 15 minutes because I'm having a hard time putting her reactions into words. She is a very strong character with a stronger will than many, but also instable mentally -- which may change over time as people start to try to get to know the woman inside, beyond the bones, depending. She's brash, bold and calls it like she sees it. She's harsh and stoic and yet there's a more fragile side to her that only a select few have actually seen. I love the dynamics of this character and no matter what XMR tosses at her, she just keeps on going -- and often surprises me with what she does.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what I love about Marrow. When I RP the bony one, I feel 100% engaged. She's out there and in your face and is an enigma and a bulldozer and... you get the point.

Brianna is... background noise.

See why I'm having issues here?

When I RP Bri, I feel like I'm just there for scene colouring/decor. She's furniture.

Does this mean I'm retiring the character? No, not likely at this point. I'm still going to attempt to breathe some new life into her, but how, I'm not exactly sure just yet. I'm not one to try to steal the limelight from people or to thrive on uber-angst, in truth, so I want something that's engaging but without the screaming neon lights that flash, "LOOK AT ME!!" at other players. That's not fun for anyone else.